Private Party

“I’m havin’ a private party/Learning how to love me/Celebrating the woman I’ve become…I felt so alone/Started to feel a little pity/That’s when I realized that I/Gotta find the joy inside of me/I’m gonna take off all my clothes/Look at myself in the mirror/We’re gonna have a conversation/We’re gonna heal the disconnection/I don’t remember when it started/But this is where it’s gonna end/My body is beautiful and sacred/And I’m gonna celebrate it/All my life (all my life)/I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)/Somebody else (else)/To make me whole (ooo)/But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)/True love began with me (ooo)/This is not ego or vanity (ooo)/I’m just celebrating me/Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely/That’s what I’ve come to realize/I’ve learned to love the quiet moments/The Sunday mornings of life/Where I can reach deep down inside/Or out into the universe/I can laugh until I cry/Or I can cry away the hurt…I’m havin’ a private party/Learning how to love me/Celebrating the woman I’ve become…”—from India Arie’s “Private Party

No truer words have been sung; I am assuredly having a private party. In this very moment in time I am learning how to love me and I’m celebrating the woman I’ve become. Despite the pangs of life, I am moving into my future with optimism and love for self! That being said, it was a most ironic morning when a dear friend of mine posted the following on Facebook regarding Love Languages earlier today. Within minutes people were chiming in about their specific Love Language and personal experiences related to them.

love languages

After reading through the thread of comments, I made an observation…many people had commented that their primary Love Language was Quality Time. So I posed the following to the respondents:

quality time

Still pained over this issue of Quality Time, the following words from Deepak Chopra brought an overwhelming sense of revelation and release to me.

People who find themselves alone rarely feel any incentive to explore love. They await contact with another person or run out to seek it. Thus we become dependent on other people to make us feel totally and permanently loved.  

This expectation will, however, always be defeated, and although we blame those who failed to respond to us, who responded but then left, who stayed but then changed their minds, none of them is finally the cause of our problem. The cause is our inability to develop an unshakable relationship with ourselves. The Self is the source of love. People who live their own love stories have learned this lesson above all.

Please don’t get me wrong.   I am not proposing that we shut ourselves up in our domiciles, become reclusive, and forget about relating to others. What I am proposing is that we first get a handle on loving ourselves—fully and completely, before we open ourselves up to another being.

As someone who has repeatedly looked outside of herself for a source of love, Chopra’s words are TRUTH. I was constantly pointing the finger at one lover after another because he had:

1) failed to respond [especially in the manner and/or time that I desired]

2) responded for a time, but then eventually left

3) stayed in the relationship for a time, but then changed his mind and walked away

What was even more ironic was that earlier this evening I had been texting back and forth with a college friend, and this same issue surfaced. Here’s how the “textversation” went.

Me: And how are you today?

K: I’m good—I had class so it got my mind off things.

Me: That’s good.

Any communication from R.?

K: Yeah he texted me last night and today.

Just going to remove myself emotionally from him.

It’s crazy that all these years later I still love that man.

If he’s honest then he’s not ready to let anyone in

and if he’s dishonest then I don’t need to be bothered.

Either way I have only replied to him, not initiate

any communication and just need to distance myself

from him like he’s done me.

Me: I think that is very practical.

E. emailed me this morning and my response was short,

devoid of emotion.

K: What did he say?

Me: “Good morning.

Hope you had a good trip and weekend.”

K: What did you say? “Thanks”.

That’s what I would have said.

Me: “Good morning.

I had a wonderful time. Thanks.”

My exact words.

K: Games ****** play—I tell ya.

Me: Exactly. Be all in or be out.

That’s how I see it.

But it doesn’t even matter

because I refuse to be sucked back into his vortex.

K: Same here.

Me: I’ve taken back control and it feels good.

Embedded in our words is disappointment based on the actions and/or inactions of men that we love(d). But it isn’t fair to hold them accountable without taking responsibility for expecting another human being to make us feel loved. We must be our own source of love. To hold these men accountable is being judgmental because “Judgment is whatever tells you that there is something wrong with yourself or someone else” (Chopra, 1997). Furthermore, Chopra cautions that, “There can be no sense of security in your existence when it depends upon outside factors [another being], for the unpredictable changes of reality can never be controlled…As long as love is [external] pleasure, its end—a sad tapering off into indifference and inertia—is predictable.” All that being said, the TRUTH that each of us must embrace is that, “There is no one out there waiting for you. There is only you and the love you bring to yourself” (Chopra, 1997).

♪♪♪ ”I’m havin’ a private party/Learning how to love me/Celebrating the woman I’ve become…” ♪♪♪

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Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who’s the “Ugliest” of Them All?

“It’s like I’m a magnet for emotionally unavailable men.”

No sooner had I said those words than the revelation pierced me in my spirit. I truly was creating my own chaos. I had been entertaining my own enemy. In that very moment I knew it was time to change the landscape of my life.

In The Path To Love by Deepak Chopra, he notes, “However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the ‘right’ person, because he or she is a mirror of who you are inside”. I read those words just days after my epiphany. And as soon as I read them, I came back to the afore-mentioned conversation that had provided me with enlightenment.

The full weight of my dating experiences (ways of relating to men) hit me like a mac truck. My experiences were the result of my compartmentalizing my feelings in an effort to prevent a potential heartache.

This blessing of falling in love comes from spirit, but it can be blocked by ego. Ego is responsible for protecting your self-image; it creates the compartments where everything undesirable about you has been hidden. What blocks love is not the presence of these shadow energies but the division of the psyche that came about when your ego started building inner walls. Love is a flow, and walls keep the flow out (Chopra, 1997)

I had been operating at an emotional minimum and the result was my attracting men who also operated at the same frequency. One-by-one the names and experiences were recalled to my memory. I was darn-near emotionally bankrupt, and if I didn’t wise up soon, I would keep attracting men who were merely able and/or interested in committing on a surface level. For years I had built up these fortified barriers in an attempt to “protect” myself from being hurt and/or disappointed from love. As I write these words now it seems so asinine to “say” that love has the possibility to “hurt” and/or “disappoint”. After all, Chopra points out that love:

  1. Heals
  2. Renews
  3. Makes us safe
  4. Inspires
  5. Makes us certain
  6. Ousts all fear
  7. Unveils immortality
  8. Brings peace
  9. Harmonizes differences
  10. Brings us closer to God

 

If all of these things are true about love, then you can understand how ludicrous my previous assumptions about love were—having the ability to “hurt” and/or “disappoint”.

Nevertheless, in relaying my recent emotional and spiritual breakthroughs to my hypnotherapist, Sarah, we talked about my “unhealthy ways of relating to men.” Over the years I had become this person who yearned to love and be loved, but the “loving” I was giving and receiving was a fear-based pseudo-love. It wasn’t authentic because…

love can feel too personal, even for ourselves; it pokes into those compartments where our negative self-image is stored…to love another person involves opening up your whole being (Chopra, 1997)

I have been afraid to truly open up the contents of my heart. There are so many things in the there that I didn’t like, so I couldn’t fathom how another human (spiritual) being could see the ugly things within me, and still want to stick around. But like Deepak Chopra points out, we have to open up our entire being to another person if we truly are seeking love in its purest form. That means that we first have to embrace the “ugly” that resides inside us, but at the same time, not allow it to limit our love of self. After we have learned to love ALL of what we are: good, bad, and some “ugly”, we can then show ALL that we are to those with whom we want to relate—male and female.

Now that I have embarked on this “path to love”, I am hopeful. I am hopeful because I have the assurance that ALL of who I am is perfect, whole, and complete (a mantra shared with me by Sarah). This journey of mine is affording me daily opportunities to love and be loved completely, fully, and without condition. In closing, I leave you with words that have recently given me hope and peace.

Pearls of Wisdom from The Path To Love by Deepak Chopra

“You were created to be completely loved and completely lovable for your whole life.”

“In spirit you are pure love.”

“The reason you do not feel completely loved and completely lovable is that you do not identify with your spiritual nature.”

“When you find your path, you will also find your love story.”

“When you truly find love, you find yourself.”