Mental Toiling:

Today, a girlfriend of mine sent me a link to a recent blog post titled, “Why BEAUTIFUL WOMEN who want COMMITment will NEVER be ASKED on a REAL DATE, but a stripper will”.  I was immediately intrigued by the title and could hardly wait to get off work so that I could figure out what the brother, Ebrahim Aseem, had to say.

I must admit; the brother posed some great points that I wholeheartedly agree with.

·       Loyal women are old-fashioned; they love to be pursued.

·       Inconsistency is a turn off to a loyal woman.

·       Once you get a woman’s number, don’t use it exclusively to text her; use it primarily to call her.

·       The sign of a mentally mature man is one who can commit to something, commit to a major, commit to a career, commit to a creative discipline and commit to a loyal woman, respectively.

Aseem’s statements are valid. I will admit to being old-fashioned—to a degree.  I’m old-fashioned in the sense that I want to be pursued.  I don’t believe I should be calling a man on the regular trying to get his attention or attempt to steal his attention away from another woman. If a man isn’t calling me then I take it as I sign that he isn’t all that interested in me.  And no, texting me on the regular doesn’t count. Likewise, consistency will get you everything and everywhere.  Inconsistency will get you nowhere.  And that’s a two-way street.  My loyalties run deep when I know that I’ve captured a man’s heart, but there is nothing worse than not being consistent and not being a man of your word.  I’m sure is true for women on the part of men.

Yes, texting is a form of communication. However, texting should not be a man’s primary means for communicating with a woman he is interested in—that’s the old-fashioned coming out.  I want to have conversations—not textversations.  Talking allows for both parties to capture tone and mood. I prefer to not have to read between the lines when communicating.  Besides, there is something alive in talking.  Texting is so flat.

Then, there is this business of commitment. I made a comment yesterday that I’m constantly being stereotyped as the “Angry Black Woman” and all I keep running into is the “Commitment-Phobic Black Man”.  I don’t like being angry; I actually do like smiling and being jovial. And I want more than anything to believe that there are still single men out there who aren’t afraid to commit.

Epiphany #1

And then there was the intriguing post a friend posted the following on a popular social media platform last week.

“Interesting conversation on the Kane Show this morning. At what age/time does a woman stop dating bad boys/jerks and start giving the nice guys a chance? And at what age/time does a bad boy/jerk grow up and start acting more mature and considerate?”

My response was, “That is a great question . . . I think we (men and women) finally come to the realization that we deserve more than what we’ve been settling for and at that point we see the inherent goodness a person (man/woman) brings to the table . . . Let’s be confident old(er) women who know their worth!”

Epiphany #2

And then there was the recent expression of “interest” from a man I would normally never give the time of day.  Out of nowhere a gentleman complimented me on my energy and then asked if it would be possible to contact me sometime.

Normally I wouldn’t give my number to a man that I’m not in some way physically attracted to, but something inside me decided that perhaps it’s time to invest in male-female friendships that are purely platonic. While I’m not exactly sure what this man’s intentions are, I do plan to find out soon enough.

Recent epiphanies and mental toiling have led me into a different headspace—to Alicia Keye’s “A Woman’s Worth”.

She starts . . .

You could buy me diamonds
You could buy me pearls
Take me on a cruise around the world
Baby, you know I’m worth it

Personally, I don’t need, nor have I ever, requested diamonds or pearls.  But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t graciously accept either or both as a gift. And a man could most assuredly take me on a cruise around the world, but again, I am not a woman who would expect such a kind offering.  And perhaps that’s why I’ve never been offered the diamonds, pearls, or cruise around the world. Truth be told, I wouldn’t know how to act in response given the fact that a man has never been so generous. But again, that doesn’t mean I would be averse to the idea.  At this point in my life I think I have finally come to the realization that I am deserving of much more than what I’ve been accepting.  Alicia Keye’s was on to something back in the day and I’ve finally seen the light.

She adds . . .

Dinner lit by candles
Run my bubble bath
Make love tenderly to last and last
Baby, you know I’m worth it

The thought of a candle-lit dinner sounds romantic and long overdue.  I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying a bubble bath drawn by the man I love on only two occasions. And those two occasions bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart.  My heart yearns to be romanced again—to be pursued, to be desired for more than the treasure betwixt my thighs.  And yes, I’m beginning to believe I’m worth it—worth being appreciated, adored, pursued, and/or called instead of being sent texts.

And then . . .

Wanna please, wanna keep
Wanna treat your woman right
Not just dough, better show
That you know she is worth your time

You will lose if you choose
To refuse to put her first
She will and she can
Find a man who knows her worth

There is so much truth to these last two verses. I am a woman who is not afraid to please her man.  My problem has been that I’ve been pleasing men who haven’t been my man. And yes, I want to be treated right; I want to be treated with respect and honesty.  A man can throw around all the money he has, but if he isn’t throwing around his personal time—his quality time, there really isn’t much there between the two of us.  I thrive on quality time and physical touch—a touch that is more sensual than sexual in nature.  I long to be held–to be cradled in a man’s arms.

A number of men have truly lost out on this good woman because they’ve refused to put me first. I’m not saying I have to be at the top of your list every day of the week, but I need to be on your list every day if you want the best of me and from me.  And I’ve not been, nor will I ever be, afraid to walk away from a man who’s clueless about my worth.  Yes, we’ve all heard the adage that “I can do bad all by myself.” The statement is very true.  Personally, I prefer to do good with a good man by my side.  And I’m determined that I will be found by a man who knows my worth.

And . . .

‘Cuz a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain’t afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always come first
And a real man just can’t deny a woman’s worth

Yes!  A real man knows a real woman when he sees her.  And when he sees this real woman he won’t be afraid of me—won’t run from the possibilities of us. And when that real man presents himself I will know that I can please him without fear of him being a “Samsonite Man”.

What’s more . . .

If you treat me fairly
I’ll give you all my goods
Treat you like a real woman should
Baby, I know you’re worth it

If you never play me
Promise not to bluff
I’ll hold it down when shit gets rough
‘Cuz baby, I know you’re worth it

I just want to say that I have no problem giving what I have to a deserving man.  When I’ve been treated with respect and adoration I’ve showered my man with love and devotion.  And yes, I can, and will, hold it down if need be, but that only comes for a man knowing my worth.

Finally . . .

She walks the mile, makes you smile
All the while being true
Don’t take for granted
The passion that she has for you

You will lose if you choose
To refuse to put her first
She will and she can
Find a man who knows her worth, ooh

‘Cuz a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain’t afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can’t deny a woman’s worth

No need to read between the lines spelled out for you
Just hear this song ‘cuz you can’t go wrong when you value
A woman’s worth
(Woman’s, woman’s, woman’s)

I look forward to the day when a real man recognizes this woman’s worth. But that won’t happen until I’ve fully recognized my own worth.  Recent epiphanies and mental toiling have led me into a different headspace. For far too long I’ve been selling myself short—I’ve been taking what’s been given without expecting more. It’s pretty simple actually. Every woman, including myself, needs to recognize her individual value and worth.  Yes, there may be men out there who would rather play than stay. Yes, there may be men out there who are no more interested in a committing to a woman than they are to scheduling annual preventative doctor’s visits.  But the pool of men will be what it will be regardless of who we are. The players and non-committers will continue to walk the earth, but they shouldn’t negate a woman, this woman, from recognizing her worth. Today, I’m going to “woman up” and have some honest conversations with men from here on out.
‘Cuz a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain’t afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can’t deny a woman’s worth