On Bishop T.D Jakes’s BET breakout show “Mind, Body, and Soul” a recent episode featured four successful black women. These women were representative of the larger population of black women across the United States who have found themselves: successful, yet single. In the midst of the conversation with these four women Bishop Jakes gave each woman a box. I eagerly watched as they each opened their boxes to find a basic hand-held mirror inside. I was moved by the “gift” as I had figured it would be a mirror as many of us—women in general–need to do some serious introspection. No, I’m not clairvoyant, but it seemed like a fitting gesture given the movement of the conversation. And while the mirror is symbolic of the journey that these women (and many others) have been, or will be embarking upon, what really grabbed my attention were the words that Bishop Jakes shared after the gifts were presented. He went on to note, “Everything that you need to find the person that you seek will only be discovered when you look in the mirror. When you find out who you are, you can really make the choice you need. It’s not what you have, not what you own, not what you look like, but who you really are.”
Bishop Jakes’s words resonated with me because I’ve struggled to believe that the “treasure” I inherently carry inside of me has been enough—for my family, my friends, nor my romantic relational endeavors. Over the course of my thirty-seven years of existence, I have doubted that my love, my passion, my dedication, my forgiving nature, my dogged-determination—AKA–my grit, has ever been enough to capture a man’s attention, let alone sustain it for the development of lasting love. For too many years I discounted my worth and as a result I have self-sabotaged a few good relationships and wound up in far too many that should have never started.
Nevertheless, what moved me to tears was what the Bishop said after the aforementioned words, “Careers change, credit scores change, checking accounts change. Because a person doesn’t have good credit doesn’t mean he’s not a good man”. As the crowd chewed on that profound nugget of information, the proverbial light went off in my brain. For as far back as I can recollect, I have desired to happen upon a man who’s “got it all together”. I’ve been hoping to light upon the man whose credit isn’t as jacked up as mine. I’ve been seeking the man whose spirituality is secure and unwavering. I’ve been hoping and praying that God would send me someone, who unlike me, isn’t a work in progress. And all the while I’ve been missing the lesson that was being taught. NO ONE is perfect. How unfair of me to want from another human being—something that I myself cannot even give. The absurdity of my expectations in a mate had finally hit me upside the head with blunt force.
Bishop Jakes followed up that statement by saying that when we discredit potential mates based on their flaws (be they credit-related, spiritually-based, or otherwise) we “. . . may be ruling out champions in hiding”. His words brought tears to my eyes. Not because I felt sorry for myself–being a single unmarried woman with seemingly limited prospects for companionship, but because of the realization that I had passed over some “champions in hiding” over the course of my thirty-seven years of life. Thinking back to my last relationship, the young man represented what I wanted on paper: he had great credit, he was gainfully employed and working to advance his career, he didn’t have any children, he was college educated, he was spiritually/religiously-minded, he was a gentleman and he courted me. In all my years I had never been treated so wonderfully. Here was a man who opened doors for me. Here was a man who gave of his money freely. Here was a man who prayed with and for me. He was a modern day enigma among young black men. However, while he presented well, in the end he broke my heart. After fourteen months of courtship he dropped me like a bad habit and without a second thought. And while there were seasons of bliss throughout those fourteen months of courtship, the fallout from the breakup left me emotionally decimated. It has taken me months to regain my emotional composure. But I can now say with confidence that I have gained insight from that heart-wrenching experience.
And what do I know now that I didn’t know nearly two years ago? I know that a good man isn’t defined by his credit score. I am however aware of the fact that a good man is defined by his level of sustainable commitment. A good man doesn’t have to lavish you with dinners at nice restaurants; he can lavish you with his undivided attention. A good man doesn’t have to walk through the doors of the church in a three-piece suit; he can and will come to God just as he is with a contrite heart and a desire to be a better man than the one he was the day before.
The most sincere and significant takeaway from Bishop Jakes’s show came when he stated that, “We have the tendency to want the other person to be a finished product, while you give yourself the grace to evolve.” In an instant I had self-diagnosed my dysfunction. My last string of relationships had been about being matched up with a man who was a “finished product”. But in gaining the interest, attention, and affections (albeit inconsistent) of this type of man, I found that they lacked the heart, the grit, the gumption, and the level of commitment that defines the “ride or die” man that I yearn to grow old with. With this new level of revelation I hope and pray that I can appreciate a “champion in hiding” if/when one such great man should enter my life.
Another one of Bishop Jakes’s salient points is that many of the items on a woman’s “laundry list” of desirables in a mate are really “conditions”. And given the fact that conditions often change, it is unfair to judge a man’s potential on “conditions”. We need to take note of each other’s character in order to determine if the people in our lives have the potential to build and develop—to grow old with us. It is true that, “Marriage is about growing together, not growing apart. You really can’t choose who you want if you don’t know who you are.” I’ve been holding out for that ONE man who isn’t afraid of my bad credit, my bad judgment, my bad habits, my bad attitude, my bad choices, and even my bad hair days. And only now am I able to own up to all of my faults and imperfections in a way that I wasn’t able to do in the past. For years I hid behind my imperfections—physical, emotional, and spiritual. And to some degree, my hiding behind the fault in my stars inhibited the development of a few potential love relationships.
So what do we—successful and single men and women–need to do? We need to first take the time to get ourselves together. I am often reminded of the Gospel classic, “Sweep around your own front door/before you try to sweep around mine.” As cliché as it may appear, that song is a timeless classic. By nature women are nurturers, but we need to nurture the little girls inside us. And I think men need to nurture their ability to be providers—sustainers. We need to love ourselves just as we are. We need to own up to our faults and shortcomings without condemnation. The Amplified Bible translation of Romans 8:1 notes, “Therefore, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit.” I do not believe we were given life to pursue this idea of perfection. I earnestly believe we were given life to actualize our greater selves and to inspire one another to greater heights.
Furthermore, we need to begin to appreciate the other perfectly imperfect beings scattered across the globe. The seemingly “finished product” is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. S/He is an apparition. I used to believe there was a small pool of good men left in the world. There was a time in my life when I believed that all the good men had been scooped up in their late twenties and early thirties. But my evolution has led me to believe that there are plenty of “champions in hiding” waiting on a good woman or a good man to allow them to step up to the plate, to rise to the occasion. If we want a man/woman to appreciate our being perfectly imperfect, we need to extend the same to him/her. We don’t have it all together. Many of us are serious works in progress who want someone to appreciate our possibility of being more than. After all, there is something wildly exciting about the prospect of journeying along someone’s personal evolution. I imagine that it is the desire that drives many to procreate.
Finally, we need to extend some patience. We’ve all heard that Rome wasn’t built in a day—and neither was any worthwhile relationship. Relationships take time. We need to take our time getting to know people. While the idea of being matched up or boo’d up seems inviting, we can’t just jump into situations with people. First of all, people have feelings and jumping in and out of relationships can wreak havoc on our emotions. Secondly, when we slow things down we get to appreciate the individual we are standing next to—and vice versa. It takes a lifetime to get to know someone and patience is certainly a helpful additive. One of my favorite anonymous quotes states that, “Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of wait.” In realizing that perfection is a fallacy, I have grown to appreciate that some things are worth that wait. That being said, I’m no longer waiting for the perfect man to ride up on his steed. I’m waiting for an opportunity to grow old with a “champion in hiding.”
Notable “Nuggets” from Bishop T.D. Jakes:
1. “You can’t marry your paramedic.”
2. “The glue that holds people together is in the heart, not the head.”
3. “Relationships are real tough.”
And my question for you is this: Have you been overlooking a “champion in hiding”?
Profound words of truth. Sadly, many women are raised to strive for perfection in their appearance, profession, etiquette, speech…. I could continue but you get the point. We eventually realize that we have missed the mark of perfection and work desparately to hide our imperfections. A well known pastor reminded me once “I am God’s creation beautifully and worderfully designed, flaws and all”. There isn’t a better artist anywhere, I was designed by the best! The flip side of that is if I’ve got “beautiful” flaws so will the man designed by God for me. Actually, everything that’s good around us has something we must accept (the flaw) while appreciating the good. For instance, a beautiful rose has prickly thorns…doesn’t make the rose less beautiful, caution is needed when handling. Even the sun, which we count on for warmth, crop growth etc. We must protect ourselves from too much sun as it can be harmful. So I say we extend a lil’ grace to ourselves and the men around us. Lord knows I’ll need a lot of that grace and forgiveness for some of the crazy things I do!
We are certainly students for life. The sooner we embrace that truth, the easier learning becomes. I agree with you 100%. And I appreciate the “pearls of wisdom” from the well-known pastor who has enlightened us about our Godly craftsmanship. And what I especially love about what you said/wrote is that our companion(s) will have “beautiful” flaws as well. Yes, we must be protective and extend grace. We certainly must remember to never throw our “pearls”–our womanly treasure–before swine. Hats off to you–Student for Life. The force is strong with you!
I read a quote the other day and had to post it on my fb blog because it just made sense. It was We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person” We all have flaws and truthfully and very likely will never be as complete as we’d would like. I do agree that we often expect someone to be further along in some ways than ourselves and that isn’t fair to that person. I stopped paying attention to a woman’s job and past issues/current issues and started focusing on two things: 1, how does this person make me feel when I’m around her and 2: what are they currently doing to move towards what they say they want. As Bishop T.D. Jakes mentioned..conditions often change so I don’t care where somewhere is I just want to know where they are trying to go and whats the plan
Linai, it’s about time that you start sharing your God-given talent for introspection, reflection, and writing with the rest of your friends/world. I am always amazed at your ability to capture emotions in words 🙂 Will keep reading!